Cultured

I have a friend with whom I discuss religion fairly often. Our discussions are always friendly, even though we believe differently – he’s a former Jehovah’s Witness turned atheist, and I’m… well, you know. ;) I'm actually not sure if he knows that I'm pagan, since I'm not always forthcoming about what I believe in public. I don't yet have the chutzpah to be fully "out." However, I've explicitly stated I'm not Christian, and I think it's also apparent that I'm not an atheist either.

It's surprising how much we actually agree about, which is probably why we get along so well; even though he doesn't believe in the divine, he recognizes the cultural weight that religion has, and that's what most of our discussions center upon. We both know non-Christians who attend church not because they believe, but because they want to take part in the cultural and societal aspect of it. I'm torn on the subject. I think it's unfortunate that people have to participate in a religion that they don't believe in if they want to be more fully involved in their community. And while there are secular alternatives, as well as other religious groups that one can be involved in, there's no denying that the US as a whole has a Christian culture.

This is not the same as saying, "The US is a Christian nation founded on Christian principles," which conservatives are often fond of claiming when they feel threatened by religious diversity. Or at least, even if that statement may be technically true, it doesn't mean what conservatives want it to mean. Yes, the United States' citizenry has always been predominantly Christian of one denomination or another. (Excepting the members of indigenous tribes, but then again they haven't always been considered US citizens.) And this undoubtedly has affected the structure of US society, customs, and values. But this does not mean (as much as conservatives may wish it) that the US is a Christian theocracy.

It does mean that even non-Christians will adopt Christian traditions, whether unconsciously or consciously. Besides the example of non-believers attending church, I know for a fact that non-Christian Americans will use, "Oh my god," "Jesus Christ," and "Goddamn," as epithets. We'll also say, "Amen!" to express emphatic agreement. The act of holding up something cross-shaped to ward off "evil" is invoked by Christians and non-Christians alike. This is because, even if we personally don't believe in Christian doctrine, we've been raised in a society that is permeated with them. It's likely that our parents are Christian, and if not, then most definitely a good number of our friends, teachers, neighbors, and random people we interact with from day to day are. Thus, it's impossible to escape Christian culture, and so it rubs off in the way we speak and in the little gestures and habits we express.

On the one hand, this doesn't bother me too much. After all, pagans still have at least one God, even though He's not at all like what Christians believe their God to be. Also, if one believes that there are multiple valid ways of forming a relationship with the Divine (as I believe), then a mixing of Christian and pagan isn't as hazardous. As long as the intent is understood, the net result is the same, right?

On the other hand, it frustrates and saddens me that I don't have a "pagan culture," as it were, to ground myself in. Not to say that there isn't a pagan culture, but I haven't been raised in it, and I haven't been exposed to it to the same extent. Adopting it feels false and affected; I have to consciously make myself replace "God" with "Goddess," and that act of deliberation - instead of just letting the epithets well up - makes me wonder if it is less genuine. When I want to speak with the Divine, my first reaction is to kneel and clasp my hands in the Christian gesture of prayer - and then I berate myself for slipping back into old habits instead of consciously, deliberately devoting myself to my new path.

It's a real catch-22 I've put myself in. On the one hand, I want to be more mindful and conscious of my religious practice. On the other hand, doing exactly that makes me feel like I'm not being genuine; I feel like I'm thinking too much when religion is supposed to be a matter of heart and soul.

Perhaps this feeling is shared by everyone (or most people, in any case) who converts from the religion they were raised in. I don't know; I'm only one person, and this is my first religious conversion. One data point does not make a trend. So I ask you, whoever may be reading this: if you've undergone a religious conversion in the past (and, if you're a pagan, this is probably the case), did you experience awkwardness as you adopted new practices? Did you get over it? How?

Genesis

Well! Let's jump right in with introductions, shall we?

Like so, so many young women, I was first drawn to paganism and witchcraft when I was a teen. I'm not sure exactly what the catalyst was; maybe it was shelving books at the library, where I would often pass the 130s, the home of "paranormal phenomena." My gaze lingered on the titles, but most of the time I was too scared to even touch them. Even though I knew that I wasn't Christian - that there was nothing the Church could offer me - I couldn't bring myself to cast more than furtive glances at a non-monotheistic alternative (except Buddhism, and even then because most Americans perceive Buddhism as a harmless philosophy instead of a bona-fide religion).

Eventually I worked up the courage to check a few out, which I would hide under my bed when I wasn't reading them. I started my own little Book of Shadows... which my mother found, questioned me about, and though she wasn't terribly thrilled she let well enough alone. Then I lost my book, went on to college, and religion kind of fell by the wayside as I started to develop other aspects of myself.

Now I'm all grown up (kind of), and while I maintained a pantheistic, nature-centered life-view throughout college, I rarely put it into practice. I think it's past time I remedied that.

So once again I check out the 130s books and peruse the "New Age" section of bookstores, though much more confidently this time. (I'm already a weirdo in other aspects of life; what's one more?) I have a new Book of Shadows that I'm already filling with scraps of information and spells, and even pagan friends whom I can talk to. The journey will be much easier now, I hope.

Even though I'm older and (hopefully) wiser than my high-school self, I still have much to learn. I also recognize that there are many people like me - now and five years ago - who may be looking for people like them to connect with. So! Here I am! Where are you?